The Craftsmanship of the Family

Division of labor is generally a good thing for an economy. It means that people specialize in what they are good at and then trade the money they earn for something they are not good at. This usually means that jobs get done more efficiently and items are more affordable. When Henry Ford made the automobile affordable for Americans in the early 1900's, he used this idea in the form of his assembly line. Each person in the line did his job, and his job only, to every car. The car got passed down the line for the next person to do the next job and arrived at the end, finished. It was an efficient and affordable way to put many people to work since each person only needed to know how to do one thing; he didn't need to be a craftsman.

A lot of things are produced this way. Most of the clothes, furniture, and other things we use each day are probably produced in assembly-line fashion. However, if you own a beautiful, hand-made piece of wood furniture, or a handmade quilt, you know that the cost of such an item is considerably higher than it would be if it were made on an assembly line and were not uniquely crafted by a skilled artisan.

It occurred to me in one of my frequent and random wanderings of thought, that the majority of American society likes to put the family on an assembly line and divide up the labor. A woman and a man each have some skill which earns them a paycheck. Let's say she is a 10th-grade-history teacher and he is an engineer. They get married and continue to work, trading their labor for the labor of others as they purchase a house, car, furniture, food, etc. Once they have kids, the process continues. If mom thinks she isn't good at taking care of babies, no matter, that's what division of labor is for! She continues to do what she IS good at, teaching high school history, and trades in that work for baby care done by someone who is presumably better at it than she is. As junior gets passed down the assembly line of child care, getting treated just like every other kid on the line by the workers, he makes it to school age. Now, it is time to send him off to the public schools where the government has kindly taken mom and dad's money in the form of taxes and is choosing the laborers they think will be good at specializing in taking the next step in shaping the little man. Now, mom teaches someone else's kid high school history, while that someone else teaches her kid to read.

Mom and Dad think this is great. They can continue to work at what they are good at and trade in their specialization for the work someone else will do to their children.
They can even trade in their specialty for ready-made meals, lots of activities for their kids, and lots of stuff to keep their children occupied and in possession of the latest fashions and toys.

Poor junior gets passed along the assembly line and comes out the other end looking very much like everyone else does. He gets stuffed into whichever mold was popular at the time to become another standardized member of society, who learned math, reading, history, and science in the same manner as everyone else did. He becomes standard; somewhere within a standard deviation of the average. Problem is, he's not made of metal or plastic and it is hard for him to feel significant when he was not uniquely and carefully molded like a precious and rare piece of wood carefully crafted into a unique piece of artistry by a master carpenter.

Image from dmrandall.com

It is too bad that parents, the only craftsmen in possession of each of these fine and unique pieces of material, are so quick to put them on the assembly line of society and divide the labor of shaping them. What fine and lovely pieces might we find all about us if the craftsmen spent the laborious hours lovingly crafting each piece into the unique item of humanity she was born to be!

Innocence, grace, and real life

A couple nights ago I finished my book, "Grace Based Parenting". The last chapter really wrapped up the foundational philosophy in the book. In fact, I wish he had put it, or a similar chapter, in the beginning.

What really stood out to me in the last chapter was the comment that (paraphrased) grace based parents know their kids are sinners. Consequently, they are not shocked or even 'bothered' when their kids show a tendency toward sin. Instead, they have an attitude of coming along side their kids to help them learn to lean on Jesus to overcome their natural sinful inclinations.

To me, this makes a lot of sense. Most, if not all, Christian parents will pay lip service to the fact that their children are born little sinners. We all agree that a one-year old can pretty willfully decide to do exactly the opposite of what she knows she's supposed to and then get angry when not allowed! (Side note, my sweet and happy little kiddo expresses her frustration in such circumstances by yelling and then biting the nearest thing. Couch, floor, chair, me...where on earth did she learn that?) However, many of these parents are still shocked when their children show desires or tendencies toward more 'shocking' sins. How many try to keep them away from sin to keep them 'pure' while knowing that they are not born 'pure'?

Kimmel says that grace based parents do not believe that kids need to be protected from sin that is on the outside as much as they need to learn to conquer the sin that is already on the inside. Then they can handle pretty much anything they come across in life. If they are born sinners, the sin is there already. This means that these parents have less concern about creating a 'safe' environment and more concern about maintaining an open, honest, helpful, and supportive relationship with their kids. This would mean that these kids are not afraid their parents will be shocked that they are curious to know something about say, sex, or that they go through a moment or day when they wonder if they're homosexual (Kimmel's example is of a teen boy who is worried because none of the girls at school seem interested in him).

Now, this sounds pretty shocking, I know. After all, what normal, healthy kid would think all this stuff if he were surrounded by a safe environment? Well, in my experience and observation, a surprising number of them! Don't tell them, but I learned a lot that my parents never knew about because I was curious and discovered that one can learn a lot from a World Book Encyclopedia and random marriage books on the living room bookshelf! (There was a time that I would never admit this to anyone much less post it on the internet. However, I happen to know of a few other people my age who admit to reading their parents' marriage books or 'learning' from the encyclopedia so I decided I'm not as weird as I thought I was.) Of course, this was before the days of internet-at your-fingertips, so how much more does this apply today!

Now, are we saying that parents should let their 10 year old hang out with drug addicts and watch R rated movies? Of course not.However, I think it is more a matter of attitude than it is of specific rules. In my opinion, parents need to protect their kids from things they are not mature enough to understand, and, of course, to keep them from being more influenced by the thinking of 'unredeemed' minds than by the Bible. They need to give them a steady diet of 'whatsoever things are pure, good, and lovely', but they need to make sure they don't believe that this will save their child's soul, redeem them from their sinful nature, or give them a relationship with Jesus by default.

Kimmel says that if a child grows up with parents who carefully train him in morality and self-discipline, BUT who also raise him with an undercurrent of understanding that rules and laws are not going to keep him from sin will have the freedom to make mistakes and to grapple with his most embarrassing and 'shocking' sinful tendencies out in the open and with his parents' help rather than alone and wondering either why his parents are so blind or what is wrong with him for being a sinner.

Now, here's the rub. I have know many a child raised in a 'safe' environment who really exudes a sense of innocence. Safe environments can and do protect a child from a lot of unnecessary exposure and I am not willing to say that this is such a bad thing.

In my reflections on Kimmels book, I am grappling most with this balance between keeping a child away from unnecessary sin and temptation (i.e. 'keeping them innocent') and yet having a grace-based, open relationship that not only helps them develop an authentic and victorious relationship with Jesus but that also teaches them to be compassionate and humble toward the lost, confused, and hurting in practice and not just in theory.

Perhaps the answer lies in the age of the children and their personalities. Perhaps as a child grows, there is a way of keeping them 'innocent' while still helping them know that there are awful sins hidden in the heart of man, including their own, but that God redeems and helps to conquer them. I think that maybe the secret for the parent lies in a genuine and growing relationship with God, a grace filled approach to his children, and the work of really knowing, studying, and accepting those children for who they are.

However, I am still reflecting...

Humility, love, prejudice, and a child's view of the world.

Today I was walking with Elsie and enjoying the lovely fall weather and sunshine that finally emerged from its long sojourn behind the clouds. We passed the elementary school a few blocks from our new house and stopped to watch the kids playing outside. I was thinking, as I watched, about social and emotional development, moral convictions, prejudices, and all manner of other philosophies related to the raising of children.

I feel a fairly strong conviction that I should homeschool my children. Some of my reasons are closely related to my last post (passing on of moral values and Godly training), while another of my reasons is academic. One on one teaching is just more efficient than classroom teaching. Not only can the child learn at his own pace, but he can pursue interests as he has them, and can do it all excellently in just a few hours a day

However, as I watched the children playing, I made some observations. A few girls about 10 years old came up under pretense of playing, but really to see Elsie more closely (which amused me) and I heard one make a comment about losing weight and I noticed the childish, but worldly 'attitude' they spoke with. Two things crossed my mind. One was protection...and the other was over-protection!

I have know many home-schooled children and while I am not pretending for a minute that this is a rule that holds true for all, I know that, very often, the sweet and innocent tones and play of those children are distinct from those of their counterparts who are exposed to vast amounts of television and other media as well as parents who demonstrate less-than-godly speech and behaviors. I have heard people say 'oh, I could tell you were homeschooled!' to such children many times. Very often, these children are obviously different, in a good way. Accustomed to adult conversation as well as play and study with their siblings, they often have close and faithful bonds to their brothers and sisters and are able to have mature conversations with adults. Again, this rule does not hold, by any means, across all homeschooling families, and neither does it never apply to any of their public-school counterparts. It is merely a general observation that I think many people would agree with.

I consider this sweetness and innocence a very desirable characteristic to cultivate in my children, however I am also aware of some general (again, 'general'!) characteristics of some homeschoolers that I find to be less desirable. Children are quick to pick up on prejudices of their parents and children whose parents are not proactive about exposing them to children of various backgrounds and talking about them in a loving manner, may end up thinking that they are somehow better than the other children or that the others are doing something 'wrong'.

This can be a tough thing to deal with. On one hand, parents are trying to teach their children that they are different from the world. They are set apart to be holy unto God and their speech, attitudes, and habits should be noticeably different from the worlds. However, Jesus was about as different and holy (set apart) as they come, and yet he mingled with 'sinners' and had compassion on them.

At a young age, children are not discerning enough to know the difference without very careful guidance. They need to be taught, that, like Jesus, they can be pure and holy, yet loving, compassionate, and, above all, humble!

Is this not something we struggle with even as adults? I sure do! How quick I am to find prejudiced and judgmental thoughts creeping into my head as I view people of a particular skin color or socio-economic status, or even speech pattern or dress! While sometimes these thoughts are true, are accompanied with a spirit of love and humility? Ah, the delicate balance between truth and love!

Anyhow, as I stood, watching the children, many of them dark-skinned, due to the largely Hispanic demographic of the area, and many others dressed in a way I wouldn't want my ten-year old girl dressed, I pondered my ability to pass onto my child a sweet, innocent, and truly humble and loving demeanor mixed with true morals and strong convictions and murmured a prayer for help.

A godly spirit in m my children must begin with my own attitude and then be cultivated with careful exposure to all types of different people. Once again, God help me in this mammoth task!

Why Stay Home?

Our culture today values productivity, education, and money. I was usually at, or near, the top of my classes in everything from Econometrics to Biology to History and graduated with High Honors from college and went on to earn two Master's degrees. I enjoy being challenged and having my mind busy. My happiest and easiest times of life were when I was in school, and busy with friends, study, and work. While I enjoy many 'homey' past times like baking and cooking and gardening, it is not easy for me, mentally, to be home all the time. I could easily be out doubling our household income and, most likely, thoroughly enjoying my work. So why do I not?

I have a strong conviction that my place as a mother is in my home. It is not the most popular conviction in the world, or even in the church. Family is honored in words (sometimes), but not necessarily in practice. Many, many children spend the majority of their little lives in some kind of institutional setting. Daycares and schools cycle little ones through the infant room, to the 1 year old room, and so on, until the move off to kindergarten, where they continue the pattern of age segregation and continue to be part of a larger group. Obviously, when a child spends early morning to late afternoon in such a setting, and just a few hours a day ( and usually most of those hours are very busy) with their families, the child will inevitably be largely shaped by the values, attitudes, and other aspects of the environment that they spend most of their time in.

Is this such a bad thing? Some daycares have several very good workers. There are many good teachers out there. But, can even the best intentioned parent know who is handling their budding little person's blossoming thoughts, attitudes, and interactions? When the little one is upset about some childhood woe, will be be laughed at by a well-intentioned, but foolish adult who thinks his little concerns are silly? Worse still, will he be laughed at or made fun of by a foolish and selfish adult? When he gets in a squabble over a toy with another child, who will carefully guide his little heart to purity, love, and forgiveness? Can even the best teacher do this consistently to every one of the 10 or 20 or 30 kids in her care all day? Do the class rules of sharing, etc... really guide the child's heart toward her Saviour?

I had a job for a year in which I worked in several daycares per week teaching enrichment classes. One of these day cares was quite good. The kids seemed very happy and taken care of. The teachers, for the most part, seemed to enjoy the kids. The environment was positive and orderly. Another center, right down the road, was awful. Chaos reigned. The teachers yelled at the kids almost constantly. There were far too many children in the room. Sarcasm and fights were the order of the day. I remember one sweet little girl who was in my class, quietly asking several times if she could go to the bathroom. In the chaos, no one heard her, and when she finally went over to the teacher to ask, she was impatiently snapped at. The sweet little thing flinched a little, but it barely phased her. Apparently, she was used to it. As a well-behaved and easy child, she was quickly lost in the rabble of yelling 4 year olds and snapped at for asking a simple question to follow the rules!

Most of the other centers I worked in were somewhere in between these two. There were many workers who loved working with the kids. There were many more who were doing it because it is a fairly easy job to get and they needed the money. There were some who liked the work well enough but were stressed with the cares of their own lives. Of course, they had their own families, money problems, and children. These kids were still just a job to them.

With great care and enough money, a careful parent can pass on many values to their children in the time they have with them and can put them in the care of others who (like those at the good daycare I worked in) are fairly competent in the care of children. Such children may well turn out just fine.

However, my observation has been that, in the majority of families, this kind of care and discipline is much easier said than done. Busy parents and tired kids, hasty meals and early bedtimes leave little time for long conversations, discussions, and the careful training really required to pass on Godly values and thought patterns to little hearts and minds. Even if they are passed on, it takes vast effort- or compromise -to find support for these values and this training in the rapidly changing succession of other adults caring for the children during most of their days.

I really believe that God designed family as the place for children to be trained, loved, and led to God. Infants are born needing constant and total care. A mother is the perfect person for the job. A harried day care worker with 7 other babies to take care of is not. A two year old needs time and attention to explore their world and learn basic lessons about relationships and self control. A careful mother is the best person to do this, not an employee trying to maintain some degree of sanity in a room full of little ones.

What about mothers who aren't good at this? What about mothers who are impatient or bored at home with their kids? Aren't kids sometimes better off with someone else? Ah, how far from God's plan this question is! Is not the fruit of the Spirit, love, joy, patience, self-control, and kindness? The mother who trusts God and is growing in her own sanctification will find no better tool than that of giving of her moments and days to the constant demands of her children! When we struggle with the monotony of menial tasks at home and say we are suffocated in our four walls, let us honestly assess where the problem lies. I can fully sympathize with this struggle, but is the answer to give up and do something else? Is the problem our circumstance... or our attitude?

I speak here to the heart attitude of moms that are struggling with staying home with their kids or working because of their own desires. Money is another topic I will not discuss here except to say that most American families would do well to trade there car payments, instant foods, and multiple cell phones and computers, for some time with their families! I am not giving a hard and fast rule meant to apply to unique situations in which there is a serious and genuine lack of enough money to put food on the table or pay the bills. I am not talking to situations where the father can not care for his family (although I will say that in the majority of single parent families, the problems that caused the broken marriage in the first place were certainly a result of sin. And this sin visits itself on the next generation!). I am not even talking to the mom who works a few hours a week for the extra money and enjoyment of it and leaves her kids with their father or a trusted family member or friend. I am talking, instead, to the mom who feels suffocated at home and whose kids drive her crazy half the time. Ask yourself if the issue is your sanctification or your circumstances.

I know that, for me, I don't need to go find a job to stay sane. Instead, I need to be more like Christ to do this job of 'training my child in the way she should go'!